A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm really busy with my period
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