she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
