halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
