I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
