Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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