im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well you can't waste a boner
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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