You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
