My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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