I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
