matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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