DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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