My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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