Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
