I've blown a few things in my day
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
