People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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