there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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