I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
In America we eat man semen.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
