I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
