I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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