Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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