When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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