____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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