yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
