that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
