I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
