were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
