She is in my trunk
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
