she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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