theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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