I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
