But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
