An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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