I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
