the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
