So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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