Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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