So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
