I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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