I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you would pick up someone in the library
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
