i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
