I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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