Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
