Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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