I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
