I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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