he shaved USA in his pubs
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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