i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
