My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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