I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
