watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I want her autograph on my taint
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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