booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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