This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
