I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
