My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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