They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
