My liver just broke up with me...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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