I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
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This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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