I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
