i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
