i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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