your room smells of hookers.
And success
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
