Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
