I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
