I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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