One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
