my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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