I can text with my tongue
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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