i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
