Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
